Binge Drinking with My Best Friend, Alcohol
As defined by Wikipedia – Binge drinking is the modern epithet for drinking alcoholic beverages with the primary intention of becoming intoxicated by heavy consumption over a short period of time. A binge can occur over hours or last up to several days.
Drinking heavily can cause neurological, cardiac, gastrointestinal, and many other disorders.
GETTING PREPARED FOR ME AND MY BEST FRIEND
The binge drinker must prepare for her binge. In my case, I must first inventory what I have in my stash. Obviously there can never be enough alcohol in my presence.
To me, going to the liquor store is usually a twice a week or daily event. I go to all different places, so nobody would recognize me. It also makes me feel as though I seem more normal that way.
What an impact buying alcohol is on my budget! I consider whether or not I should buy in cases or not. I always buy a variety of wines, both red and white, so buying in bulk makes sense. Or does it to have that much wine around?
I can’t wait until the end of the day when I begin to spend time with my best friend, Alcohol. I simply can’t wait! I look forward to it all day! After all, it’s been my friend for a long time and obviously I can handle it. I am a strong woman, a wife, a mother, a grandmother and a professional. A few glasses of wine and I can’t lose!
I keep Alcohol close to me always. The thoughts in my head are what one might consider obsessive, but I consider them thoughts about winding down with an old friend.
THE GLIMMER IN THE BOTTOM OF THE GLASS (THE BINGE)
The wine glass and its contents make me feel good. It’s the glimmer in the glass. It is the shine. It is what is calling me to taste from the wonderful goblet. It makes me feel so good, tingling all over. I can’t wait to satisfy my thirst.
With glass in hand I gather up my ingredients to prepare an evening meal. I will begin with beef, and all the trimmings. My beverage has already been decided. I will begin with a Merlot since it goes well with beef. Or maybe a chardonnay as a nice light contrast to the meat. I start with one and then another and another, and then a bottle.
PATTERN OF MY BINGE BEHAVIOR
My drinking continues for a few hours as my body and mind become more and more relaxed. Working my way into the binge, my body is now very relaxed and I just continue to drink right through the wonderful meal.
By this time, I have had about three to four different glasses of wine, all readily accessible. Does anyone know and do I care? No, it is me that wants to drink.
After dinner is finished, we go and watch a movie on TV. I keep drinking because I feel so good! I don’t have to think about ANYTHING. No one seems to notice me anyhow and as the movie comes on I sleep right through it.
After the movie my husband tries to wake me up, but he can’t. I don’t feel him nor do I hear him and he is very worried. He slaps me on the face, throws water on me and so on, but I still don’t wake up. Oh, now I see I have passed out or “blacked out” or my body and mind are in a “binge state”. The lights are out for me. My brain has turned off. I feel melancholy and nothing is bothering me. I have no worries or do I?
I AM SCARED
My life is spinning like a top out of control; I am in a twister. Though I like how drinking feels, my mind is beginning to forget things and I realize that my highest priority is to get through my day in order to be with my friend Alcohol. I am starting to feel afraid.
To stop the spinning I need to spend some time alone with my friend Alcohol. We go into the closet and drink in there. Together we are hidden and in a safe place so I can drink. And drink. I can’t give up my best friend and all the other friends I have within my circle. Bingeing with Alcohol made me feel good. I try to reason with myself, saying I am a social drinker and I can handle it, but NO, I cannot.
I think about some things I’ve been forgetting such as who I am, and I know that that is a big thing. My hands are shaking, my head is spinning, and my life is totally out of control. I must get back in control of my life or I could die. I pass out, don’t remember, I drive drunk (only sometimes) and I am in trouble. I need to get my house in order and I am scared.
A LITTLE KNOWLEDGE
I can’t tell anyone. I am very ashamed of what I am, and who I have become. My career is continuing along, and so are my family and friends, but all of this is only hanging on by tiny “THREADS”.
I need knowledge about alcohol and about me. I know that knowledge is power and power is what I need to turn my life around. I know this is at least some of what I need, but what do I do first? I check out what resources are available to me and where I can turn.
A LOT OF COURAGE
I go to AA. I ask myself what is this program anyhow? What is all this about fellowship and a higher power and do I believe all of that in the first place.
I drive to the church, park my car and I sit there. My hands are sweating, my stomach is in knots and I now have to be strong enough to go through the doors of the church. Okay, here I go.
I go through the big doors, apparently the wrong big doors. A nice lady says, “This is the soup kitchen, just go upstairs”.
I don’t think the stairway up will ever end. I go in and everyone “WELCOME”s me. And this is how it all starts.
Everyone is reading, talking and now I am learning. I decide to listen and not to speak yet. I am a beginner.
Now it is my voice that is speaking up in AA; talking about my experiences with alcohol and all that comes with it. My life is making turns and more turns and I start feeling better and stronger. I lost what I thought was my best friend but wait! I have now 26 new friends who are at peace and happy and I want what these folks have.
We are in this fellowship together and we are learning the twelve steps together and I am putting them to work in my life. The work and the steps are hard and the upward climb begins steep but then it begins to straighten out. I have to be dedicated as I implement the twelve steps every day in my life and know that it will never become easy.
I AM EXCITED
I am climbing out of the bottle I have been in for many years. I am doing the best I can. I have learned that now I am in “recovery”. I am learning there is another word associated with recovery and that is the word “relapse”. It is okay because it is part of the disease alcoholism and it reminds us that it is never too late to begin to change your life.
IN THE SERVICE OF OTHERS
How I get through this journey is my road most traveled. I care so much about helping others that I gladly use my story to help anyone I can. If I see what I believe is a person who is “suffering” from alcohol and the various forms it takes, I reach out to them. If they accept my hand, that is fine. If not that is fine too. I will continue to reach out because it makes my journey that much more meaningful and it enriches my life to serve others every way I can.